I always wanted to be a Journalist!

THE LOWLY STANDARD

Chief Editor: The Momma

A week ago last Thursday an engine reportedly dropped out of the bottom of a fast moving car on the bridge separating Galveston Island from the mainland. Eye witnesses, Josie Bisett aged 33 and her husband Bubba aged 72 were in the minivan behind. "It was frightening! We had to swerve to miss huge chunks of metal debris!" Mrs Bisett told us in an exclusive interview. Her elderly husband was driving at the time of the incident. Bubba's hands were still shaking when we spoke with him yesterday. "If we'd have hit one of those sons of bitches, we'd be goners!" Their three children Sonny, Putzy and Kernicky were all sleeping through the ordeal. Mr and Mrs Bisett described the offending car as being small and black. They quickly reported the incident to Facebook. 

********************************************************************************

A 72 year old man was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure near the city of Columbus just off Interstate 10. He was seen stumbling around the back of his minivan with his pants around his ankles before proceeding to urinate in the grass verge. Eye witness Dora, aged 92, was working the cash register at the Shell garage when the incident took place. "Well, he was parked pretty far away.... and my eyes aren't what they used to be, praise the Good Lord, but I know he had his little son-of-a-gun out." Police were called to the scene and the elderly gentleman and his wife Josie Bisett aged 33 were both taken into custody. Their three children Sonny, Putzy and Kernicky were placed in temporary foster care. Two large Starbucks cups filled with what appeared to be beer were found inside the vehicle. Later the Chief of Columbus police confirmed that the liquid was in fact Mrs Bisett's urine. In a statement Mrs Bisett told the County Sheriff "We both had to go so bad and we just didn't want to wake the babies up." Bubba Bisett aged 72 told police he had been unable to pee into a cup inside the vehicle with his beautiful young wife watching him. "I wanted to pee so bad I could just about taste it!" In his statement he confessed to attempted 'peeing while driving'. Jumping from the vehicle with his junk exposed had been an act of desperation. The Bisetts' hearing is set for later this month.

********************************************************************************

An armed robbery attempt at a Wells Fargo branch in Wimberley, Texas was thwarted yesterday when the head teller and local Councilwoman Phyllis Lovalot, aged 67, refused to open the bank's safe box. The masked robber was clad from head to toe in shiny black spandex and was holding what appeared to be a sawed-off-shotgun with a black sheet draped over it. The heroic Wimberley woman didn't flinch when the weapon was pointed her way, she simply leaned over the counter and pulled away the sheet revealing a large purple vibrator beneath. Eye witness Frank Mann, 32, a loyal customer of Wells Fargo can be heard on the security camera exclaiming "What a dildo!" It isn't clear whether he was referring to the bank robber or the toy. "I've never seen anything like it!" An assistant female bank teller, aged 22, spoke exclusively with us after the incident. "It was all big and shiny and purple. And it even moved up and down all on its own!" Phyllis Lovalot first realized the gun was not what it seemed when she heard a familiar buzzing sound coming

from the robber. "He accidentally pressed the on button! I'd recognize that sound anywhere!" She proudly told the County Sheriff. Phyllis Lovalot's husband, Lionel Lovalot, a local pastor, spoke proudly of his wife's heroic act "Ain't getting nuthin' past that woman. She's a wily one to be sure! I knew that investment would pay off. I'm just glad I let my wife borrow it from time to time." Apparently the popular hummingbird vibrator is well known around the Texas Hill Country. "It's one of my best sellers!" Confirmed local sex toy expert, Josie Bisett aged 33. The suspect escaped before the police arrived, taking his vibrator with him. An investigation is now underway. Police are expected to interview all past and present owners of this particular sex toy within Wimberley City Limits. The Chief of Police issued the following statement. "This is going to be quite an undertaking, but we'll get this son-of-a.... vibrator! I can promise y'all that!"

*********************************************************************************

None of that really happened....... or did it?

These creative journalistic reports are my contribution to Karen's Secret Subject Swap! This week, 12 plucky bloggers (yup ~ yours truly included!) picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. My subject was “ You’re a newspaper reporter. Write a story about any event, real or imagined, serious or humorous.”  Submitted by the one and only Karen of Baking In A Tornado!  

Thank you Karen! I hope I did your subject justice. I definitely had a laugh writing it!

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. You've already enjoyed mine! Now it's time to sit back, grab a cuppa Jo, and check ALL the rest out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado
Follow me home . . .
The Momisodes
Confessions of a part-time working mom
A Working Mom’s “Whoas”’
Evil Joy Speaks
Juicebox Confession
Stacy Sews and Schools
Searching for Sanity
Spatulas on Parade
Small Talk Mama

Daddy censorship - what do YOU think?

If you are reading this blog there's a fair chance for both of us that we have my hubs to thank for that.

Almost every single post has been proof read by Daddy wearing first his English Teacher hat, then his Husband Hat and finally, of course, his Daddy hat. It's a thankless task for Daddy, who's brutally honest feedback often incurs my wrath and frustration.

The most I can ever hope for is "It's good." I don't think he's ever gotten overly excited about any of my posts - except maybe A Darwinian Love Affair, and the neonatal novice, mainly due to the special memories these stories evoke.

I don't usually need to wait for his words to know if he likes it or not. He usually cringes, holds his hand to his heart, and looks somewhat pained at my choice of phrase. He'll laugh sometimes too which is music to my ears, as our sense of humor can drastically differ due to our cultural difference, gender, and basic personality type.

To be fair, the hubs 'gets' my often dark, definitely smutty, and sometimes off the wall sense of humor more than most; however, his limits are reached all too often in my blogging. I can't help what spills out of me as I type. I give myself a good giggle at times, while knowing it's not going to fly with the hubs.

Mostly though his prudishness will offset my gratuitousness, and hopefully the outcome (much to Daddy's dismay) is somewhere around the pleasantly smutty and a bit risque, but funny and inoffensive line. Following each reining-in session - and often blatant censorship - I often swear (sulkily) that I'm not listening to his feedback anymore.

I received some fabulous advice from a friend:

Think of your ideal reader - just one person - and write just for them. NEVER run your posts past your better half (hahaha). And write as honest and offensive as it gets in the beginning. (WTF?) 

His point being that my real audience will stick around, and those who don't like my blog won't return.

But that's OK (he assured me) - you'll never have to hover your finger over the 'publish' button again!  

As much as I loved ALL his advice, I've only really followed the first part of it. That's my prerogative... plus I'm a wuss.

I just want the balls to one time - just ONE time - publish something absolutely in the raw. Then see if the consequences would be catastrophic, or whether I would run off my audience altogether. But the truth is my hubs's sensibility will usually red flag the parts of the post that I am hesitant about myself.

I want to be true to my writing, I want to be funny and out there. I admit I get a bit of a kick out of the idea that my words might shock, or make someone blush.

I want to do all this while still protecting the privacy of my kids and hubs. The hubs is old enough to state his limits, but the kids aren't, so it often takes some discussion between the two of us to decide for them, what is too specific, what is funny and relevant, and what is sacred.

This is an impossible task to be sure. The limits I'm talking about differ for every one of us, and as much as I'm not setting out to offend my readers (Shock? YES. Offend? NO), I can't protect all of you either.

And so the censorship continues. And in spite of my buddy's great advice, the hubs still has a say over what stays and what goes.

Even after receiving Daddy's stamp of approval, there is often still a degree of hesitation before I click 'publish'. This hesitation is usually a good prediction of how popular the post will be - the more hesitation, the more popular the topic. Interesting huh?

So, if you're still with me this far down the post, now I'm asking - no, begging - for some raw and honest blog feedback from YOU! Please don't hold back - the hubs definitely doesn't. OK so he's running scared - but you don't have to live with me! I want some blog comments!

Blog comments are rare gems of insight into my readers thoughts - a blogger friend recently referred to them as 'bloggers' wages' - so please let me know how my blogging is going down at the comments section on the bottom of this blog post. 

If you've not got anything good to say, SAY it anyway!  

Who are you? How many posts have you read? Which was your fave and why? Which post sucked the most? Be honest - I might cry, but I might also improve. Without feedback I just can't tell if my stories are going down like lead balloons or whether they are hot to trot. My only indication of appreciation is the page-view counter, which is steadily clicking away.

I am not fishing for compliments - well maybe a few minnows would be nice.