How to potty train your (almost) two year old:

Materials required

1. A big brother. Preferably one that's only 17 months older, a little more laid back and slower to react.

2. As many potties in as many key locations as possible throughout the house, preferably all facing the TV.

3. Gates to cordon off all carpeted areas.

4. Absorbent towels and paper towels, and card (for sCRAPing)

5. Bissell carpet steamer (a kid will get through a gate and shit on your carpet eventually, it's inevitable)

6. White vinegar 

turdriffic!

I love Saturday mornings. Especially when there's absolutely nothing on the calender. The day can be whatever we make of it - and unlike the rest of the week - all five of us get a huge chunk of time to hang out together.

This morning the four of us; me, our little lady and the boys, were all sitting around the table enjoying our second brekkie of the day - cream cheese bagels and strawberries. YUM.

Pregnancy parps revisited - not such a LITTLE stinker!

*Definition of a parp: A term used for a pregnancy fart, which first became popular in the blog: not one for the FAint heaRTED - let em rip! 

Only minutes ago I left poor Papa bear stranded in a room engulfed with a most potent baby poop and parp* perfume blend.

Oh Daddy forgive me....           

See, it's his birthday today, and only yesterday did he suffer from some flash in the pan voracious virus that had him spewing from both ends! Bad enough to take off work and spend many hours in bed - or on the potty!

He blamed it on the bacon I fried up yesterday morning - at least the smell of which turned his tummy in the first place - but it couldn't have been the culprit of the nasty bouts of diarrhea and vomit he had to endure well into the afternoon.

And no-one else paid that high a price for its greasy goodness!

So tonight, after leaving my littlest snuggled up tight in Momma's bed, I sought out the birthday boy and our eldest son who were already slogging through the bedtime routine.

Big kid was sitting on the pot beside his Choo-Choo bed - his number one spot for doing a number two - and Daddy was sitting in front, courageously reading whatever book big kid required to get his 'jobby' done.

Smiling at the romantic but rancid little scene before me, I squatted down behind them and put my arms around Daddy to give him a birthday kiss and cuddle - believe me, none of what happened next was premeditated...

I reached out both hands to my eldest, who'd exclaimed 'Mommy!' in the most loving manner, as he does every night when I join them in his room.

Without getting up off the pot he held his arms out to be included in Mommy and Daddy's hug. I squeezed his hands lovingly while leaning against Daddy.

It was a beautifully mushy moment - broken abruptly by our kid farting a bit more poop out.

It couldn't have been better comedic timing - and without thinking I responded in the same language! I'm not sure which was funnier; Daddy's disgust or the look of wonder on my 2 year old.

Oh but it burned, and I knew straight away we were all in trouble, so I hastened my retreat.

"...  err.... on that note, I'll love you and leave ya....'

It was too hard to contain my guilty laughter, and Daddy knew, even before those teeny tiny poop particles made their way up his already nauseated nostrils.

I had to use Daddy to push my heavy load up from the floor, and the fast dispersing aroma had already hit my level by the time I was standing - poor Daddy was still way down in the concentrated thick of it.

What with his wife's whiffy wind-breaking and his eldest son's air-exposed excrement, it was all too much for Daddy's tentative tummy, and he started gagging involuntarily!

It was a raucous race to the door where preggo Mommy mercilessly blocked Daddy's attempted escape, laughingly locking us all inside the room in order to fully appreciate the fabulousness of the fart - meanwhile big kid was in fits of giggles on his potty, unfazed by the power of Mommy's parp!

That birthday steak was something else, and what my pregnant body was able to do with it in a little over an hour was literally breath-taking!

Torrential transfer....

Phew - I think I did it! The heavens have opened up and it's raining cats & dogs Texas style! Both boys have been haphazardly hauled inside our home AND put to bed for a noon nap - boo ya!

As soon as my rear view mirror delivered the good news that both bairns were out, my BLOG craving brain started hatching away the perfect plot to get them transferred with it hammering down outside....

I'm currently awaiting my almighty Momma's Day prezzie - it's supposed to arrive today - my very own personal Lap Top, for making one blog happy Momma truly happy! Papa bear has no idea just how many penis points he's racking up for this gift..

And once I'm all set - transfer worries maybe a thing of the past! I'll be letting the little ones sleep it out in our minivan. With me hooked up to the WI-FI, this Momma can 'Blog on the go'!

Shaking off my imminent future fantasy, I pulled the van up close to our screened in porch only to find it bolted from the inside. The dogs were furious at the change of parking location, leading to an exasperated Mommy upping the rabble by roaring back at the barking!

Moving fast, I raced over to the other entrance, and now I was up and moving, my internal lodger let me realize that I could really do with 'dropping off the kids'- before I went and got the kids! Dripping wet with my feet slip-sliding in my flip-flops, I flip-flopped whether or not to take a bathroom break pre-transfer. But, realizing it could possibly mean waving bye bye to any bodacious blog-time, I opted to 'hold on' and get the kids nap rooms ready for go - with their rain sounds, and fans on - and went in for my first transfer:

Transfer#1 The Baby; not always a smart first choice, but having been asleep in the car for the longest it was worth the gamble.... While careering around the car I noticed just how close my front wheels were to Daddy's outdoor plumbing - yikes! The little fella got some big nose splashes from the upper deck run-off, before I safely bundled him inside.

He lifted his head a few times - not a good sign - and my tugging off his wet crocks irked the dude a little. But still in his semi-roused snugly state I laid him down no messing and skedaddled outta there, holding my breath to await the fall-out... Nothing but quiet. Thankfully my gamble had paid off - Go Momma!

Off I raced back outside for my second transfer - clenching with all my might:

Transfer#2 The Toddler; a much easier transfer these days - and his awakening during the transfer doesn't usually deter my sleepy-head son from returning to his dream world. The 10 seconds of rain didn't impress him one bit, but all was soon forgiven and forgotten when I laid down his head on his choo-choo bed.

With the car still running and Momma desperate for my do-do, I still inexplicably returned outside to turn-off the engine first! I was soaked to the bone, and shivering furiously, so I shedded all my clothes and finding a kiddie hoody towel just conveniently dumped on the floor, I gave my body a vigorous rub-down...

I don't know what misguided motive makes me hold-off plonking down on the potty before my ducks are all in a row, but I still had a few more items to tick off first; get into my sloppy joe clothes, get a brew on...... get your priorities right Momma!!!

A few crucial seconds later - and almost touching cloth - I parked myself on the pot, finally able to relax and deliver my much delayed morning parcel! What a relief on all counts!