Thursday, June 14, 2012

Boy V Girl

What really is the fuss all about?

So we're having a girl next. Big deal!? Aren't boy and girl babies all the same?

The rapturous hand-clapping and delight that we receive each time we reveal our imminent baby's gender is incredibly infectious and, admittedly, I'm pretty frikkin excited about the 'new experience'.

But what 'new experience' exactly, are we in for?

What was it the smart-mouthed kid in Kindergarten Cop piped up with?

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!

Well yes they do, and we already know that much, but nothing too different really happens with those bits until they're teenagers, right?


With my two little lads - and me being a lady - I'd yet to stumble across a gender specific problem that had me bowing down to Daddy's superior knowledge, until yesterday, when our almost 3 year old woke up from his nap with his usual buddy, Mr Woody. And I'm not talking about his Toy Story pal here.

When the indie-rock band oracle Oasis wowed all us Brits back in the 90s with (What's the Story) Morning Glory? I have to fess up, I had no idea what a 'morning glory' truly was! It took me and my vanity a wee while to accept that my first real boyfriend's early morning magic trick of erecting a pole-free tent under the duvet had nothing to do with my irresistible sleep-drunk self, nor with him rousing with romantic intentions.

He quite simply needed to pee.

I recall even earlier than that, a school boy friend crudely making reference to having to do a hand-stand in the morning to 'take a pis*'. I guess it's only finally sinking in. I'm not slow - OK, well maybe a little it seems when it comes to knob knowledge. Not all knob knowledge. Don't go pitying the hubs now - this is our third baby on the way after all!  

Anyway, our almost-three-year-old has been on a dry stretch when it comes to night-time and nap-time pees - knock very hard on real wood after writing that Momma! I'm so excited about his bladder going-the-distance, that maybe I'm a little over-zealous at getting him plonked on the pot as soon as he wakes up, and unsurprisingly he's not super receptive to my preemptive potty push.

So yesterday, when I harassed Daddy to get the pot in position, after big boy emerged from his afternoon nap looking all sleep-swept, I got admonished.

"You don't understand. He can't when it's like that."

No - I don't understand. I don't have a penis.

Don't you have to try and pee a little to help the flag come down? Oh, I see! You just have to wait a few minutes for the anthem to finish....  What happens if you're not sitting pretty waiting for the moment? Can you hold your pee after the temporarily 'erected' dam finally lowers - can a three year old?

Of course I don't know these things. I'm a girl.

Foreskin retraction and cleaning has had me stumped a little in the past too - but what more could the hubs possibly know about this than me? My British roots puts me at somewhat of an advantage when it comes to willy 'hood' maintenance!

Other than these teeny-weener trials, it's all been mostly Mommy manageable, until now.

Oh wait! I forgot about Daddy's 'pull it down' lecture on potty (and hovering) penis positioning - Mummy has been known to let the hose shoot backwards, upwards and even overboard at times. And then of course there's standing up to pee. Not something I'm experienced in myself....  except after watching The Full Monty for the first time when I let curiosity get the better of me!

I'm sure, much further down the road, there'll be plenty of wet-dreams, masturbation mishaps and other male-issues that will have my once-upon-a-time Mommy's boys banishing me from their room.

I only hope Daddy will be ballsy enough - and not too 'testy' - to man-handle these penis problems. At least he's got a 'helmet' to protect him! (haha - had enough of the puns yet?)

But seriously, what about a girl?

Daddy will be putty in our little miss's hands for sure. Both boys have been breast obsessed, will our Daddy's girl be the same!?

As far as I can tell, my only bit of mindful advice thus far is to wipe from front to back. Yep right. I knew that from my own muff maintenance. OK, Got it. I'll remind Daddy.

My subconscious is chanting .....periods, pill, PENISES! over and over. Hopefully we've at LEAST a decade of dolls and tutus before all the puberty pandemonium prevails.......

Is there more? Should we be worried? What really is all the fuss about?

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