Thursday, April 11, 2013

Pissing Contest

F-YOU Momma! If you put me in Time-Out, I swear I'm gonna piss all over the place!

Okay, so my two year old might not be saying these exact words yet - at least with his vocal chords - but his fiery eyes speak volumes. If looks could kill...

I'm not kidding.

His defiance supersedes anything I've ever come across in my eldest, whose naughtiness I can quell with a mere glance. Not my little monster, though - my piggy in the middle.

A few weeks ago I finally decided to take the bull by the horns (the bull being my 2 year old) and start timing him out - for REAL this time. I realize a lot of you out there are thinking I'm a little late in the game. But according to our yummy local Doc, our little cherubs aren't able to grasp the concept of time-out until they reach the dawn of their terrible-twos.

Hmmm - whatever you say, you gorgeous hunk of manhood.

I hardly ever needed to T.O my eldest. After one or two chair punishments he got the gist of it, and now the threat of a T.O is enough to get him back on track. But honestly, he's just not that naughty.

My two year old though - by any other Momma's definition - would probably require 50 T.Os a day. What Momma of three has got THAT much time to waste on dishing out discipline? I tried it for a few days, and holy crap! That little monkey was getting ALL of Momma's attention.

Somehow that didn't seem quite right.

For starters the little mite won't sit on the chair. I had to vigilantly stand guard the entire two minutes, which rapidly extended to three then four and so on, as he just kept racking up more and more minutes for being defiant. I warned him firmly if he got down before the oven beeped he'd have to start again, so he delighted in testing that one out FOR.EVER.

He'd dangle his body over the side of the chair and touch his big toe to the ground at lightning speed to see what exactly classified as 'getting down' off the chair. And yes - that did count, much to my kid's 'fake' dismay.

When I finally 'broke' him and he waited his Time-Out for two whole minutes - it was soon apparent I hadn't broken a bloody thing as he continuously refused to look me in the eyes and it took forever to get him to say sorry.

I swear he doesn't mean it when he says 'sorry'. He's says it and signs it at the same time in the most adorable two year old way (sidenote: He also gives the BEST post T.O hugs and kisses. He wraps his little arms tight around your neck and then gives you a sloppy wet kiss on the lips. It's almost worth the T.O saga, but not quite).

However, the second he's 'free' he ALWAYS repeats the felony.

I soon ditched that game. I turned to our neglected pack n play and decided I'd cage him in there instead. That's when the real Pissing Contest began.

See, these T.O trials were coming right on the back of his potty training. He's still roaming about the house bare ass naked. I couldn't believe it the first time I plonked him in the pack-n-play and he started urinating instantaneously.

It's like his pee was on tap.

He stared at me so intensely while he was doing it I had to look away. It was all very reminiscent of the Exorcist. As shocked as I was I knew better than to react. In the space of two minutes he'd peed inside the play den, out through the back mesh onto my lovely painted wall - and out the front mesh onto the carpet.

WTF!

Yes, it was weird and gross - but so fascinating all at the same time. And yes - I wanted to scream:

'Stop it! You dirty little bugger!'

But I didn't.

Instead I took a deep breath, counted to ten, and walked away. After he'd reenacted this sordid little scene a few times I was laughing hysterically - in a different room obviously. You know how it is, right; if you don't laugh you'll only cry?

I vigilantly directed him to the potty more frequently than usual, in the hopes he'd be empty when I inevitably timed him out. But this didn't seem to make a difference. It's like he's got a whole separate reservoir where he stores his punishment piss!

Sitting in a pool of your own wee wee gets old after a while though, especially when no one seems to care about it (that took every last bit of my rubbish acting abilities). So he eventually gave up on it - but not before making my house smell like your granny's gusset.

He still does it every now and then. Take today for instance. He was terrorizing big brother as per usual, and I let the ruckus play out a little (I'm trying to teach big bro to 'use his words' and stand up for himself a little).

But when I sat down for a rest and to let baby girl latch on, the little opportunistic monster chose that precise moment to sink his teeth into poor big bro's butt cheek.

*Sigh.* What can you do?

Holding baby girl to my breast with one arm, I scooped up said monster with my free arm and carried him like a sack of potatoes to his room where I could gate him in. (He's developed the ability to scale the side of his pack-n-play so that's no longer any use). Guess what I hear as soon as the gate went 'click'?

It was the sound of a two year old peeing forcefully onto the carpet.

The little stinker!

I think he gets more rambunctious and naughty when he needs to pee, so I probably should have known to potty him before gating him (we live and learn).

I handed him a wad of paper towels through the bars - that'll teach you to pee on the carpet young man! - and watched him haphazardly (but way too happily) blot up his puddle, like he couldn't care less.

If this is a pissing contest the kid's definitely got me beat.

6 comments:

  1. Josie. you have the patience of Job. I love the words "punishment piss". Time outs never worked for my wild one (the youngest) either. I just would pick up the other two and have a blast playing a game or singing a song. Eventually, the little one didn't like feeling left out and decided it was easier to behave. (for five minutes). I love how you said the hugs and kisses are sweeter after time-outs. It's so true... Hang in there, momma :)

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  2. I have no idea what I would do in your situation. You did well to keep your cool and see the humour in it. Maybe he should have his timeout in the bathroom?

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  3. O-M-G! Your boy sounds EXACTLY like how I was when I was a kid. When I was put in the corner, I retaliated by peeling the wallpaper off. When I was told to sit in the chair, I would stand, and vice versa.

    I wasn't in trouble much, as I really was a good kid, but when I was, I would also fight back. I remember having to have "quiet time" and if I spoke, the time would start over.

    I remember thinking "It's not quiet time if I talk, and the time for quiet is the same no matter what, so what do I have to lose?"

    I'm a lawyer now and have had a lot of success. I attribute it all to my defiance as a kid.

    So get excited! Maybe he will take care of you in his old age when he's a big shot in a law firm.

    There's always a silver lining! :-)

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  4. YIKES!!! X 1000!!! Wow... not sure what I would do, but I know I would not have hair left on my head.

    Here's hoping for "sooner, rather than later."

    (try to) Have a great week, Slu

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  5. Maybe you'll feel better about it if you make up a little pissing song! YAY to pissing in the potty. Ugh. Maybe not.

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