Friday, September 28, 2012

stupid is as stupid does....

Really?? Is this ex-Petroleum Engineer (and physics major) actually admitting to typing the question, Why do we feel lighter in water? into the Google search engine?

Momma floating at 9 months pregnant!
Top answer: Water is denser than air.

Well, duh!  (apparently Momma is getting as thick as two short planks!) 

Of course I already knew the answer.... Ah-hem. Well, once upon a time, I did....! 

Anyway, the question I was actually driving at was,

How come preggo Momma floats more easily (than not preggo Momma) when I'm 40lbs heavier, huh?

I didn't Google this. This next bit of science is ALL me.

It's simple, (really). In spite of all evidence to the contrary (i.e. fatter and stupider), my density while pregnant is less. With a tummy full mainly of water - and a vast increase in body fat - even though my mass and volume both increased, my volume went up MORE, so my d=m/v went down!

Booyah! See, I told you - piece of cake.

It's all about buoyancy. When you're 9 months pregnant, hence as humongous (Sesame Street's word of the day!) as a whale, then you can pretty much float like one - that is, IF your boobs and booty are bloated with blubber (as opposed - say - to lead).  

It's like the hubs used to say about lifeguard training (back in the day) - he always wanted to save the girl with the biggest boobies - and not just because he wanted to 'save' the girl with the big boobies!!

So, I'm not sure exactly if my scientific theory holds any water, but it makes sense to me! Unfortunately, making sense to Momma isn't much of a hard sell these days....  

Despite my physical DECREASE in density during my pregnancy, there's a scientific term for my 'apparent' increase in dense-ness, ' Baby brain'.

And don't think that dropping 20lbs or so off at the hospital, changed this (hopefully not so) steady 'state' - never mind the physics!

Smart enough to get this? It took me a few minutes
(OK - so in actuality it was months! I said I was a
Physics major - not Chemistry!)
I've often wondered as to my ex-colleagues ability to bypass this prevalent Mommy condition on returning to the workplace after giving birth.

Perhaps they don't...? Who's saying this degenerate brain disease is limited to us SAHMs?

Actually a friend stated it. A long time ago.

I remember it clearly. He said his wife would NOT be a SAHM. It would turn her brain to mush. He'd seen it happen too many times....!

What? You can't SAY a thing like that.. (no matter if it IS true...!)

It just so happens that his totally un-PC, misogynistic, mildly offensive and sexist slight on SAHMs was bang on the money, honey!!!

Perhaps it was the staying home after my first babe - watching HGTV between bouts of Ellen and Yes, dear! - with boyo non-stop stuck to my booby that kick started my clever cell deterioration.

Once baby #1 was toddling, and baby #2 was stuck to my booby (whenever baby #1 - the toddler - was taking a breather from sucking on my boobies), I managed to lower my IQ even further by camping out in front of Dora and Blues Clues for weeks on end.

At least a bit of Spanish vocab and some baby signs have worked their way into my frontal lobes - it's just a shame that they've had to knock so much grey matter out of my ears to make space! 

I think most of my lost brain cells were sucked out through my breasts. My babies seem to ramp-up in intelligence daily, while poor Momma is reduced to storing ice-cream in the fridge, and putting our remote controls in the freezer.

Mother nature must be prepping us SAHMs for toddler speak. As the babies get smarter we Mommas get thicker, hence by the time the tots can string a handful of words together, we've just about converged somewhere around the same level of intelligence! 

It has to be that way - by the time the kids are three, we Mommas are dying for some stimulating chit-chat. If the kids and Moms can happily gab away about 'shoes' and 'balls' and 'poo poo' all day long, everyone is happy!    

I don't think I'm too far off communicating on their level now - although if I'm not careful they're going to surpass me - they've already got me trounced on the Spanish lingo!

With round the clock breast sucking for at least the next 10 months or so,  I don't see any intelligence returning to Momma anytime soon. I just hope I don't keep on getting more and more stupid!!

I often worry that my 'smarts' have gone for good - I can see me, in my forties, staying up long after the kids are in bed to do a bit of sly studying, just so that I can assist them with their homework...

Hopefully I won't have too much trouble until at least the 5th Grade.

Just exactly how stupid, you say?

Let's see...

Example 1. (4th July 2012)

Real conversation, :

Sincere Momma:      "If you swallow the seeds a watermelon tree will grow in                                 your tummy..."       
Smug 8 year old:      "I didn't realize water melons grew on trees."
Proud hubs:             "She's real smart my wife.."

I knew watermelons didn't grow on trees.... honest.

Example 2. (16th September 2012 - last week)

I didn't, however, know who THIS was:

"Who's Mitt Romney?"
Unfortunately, it wasn't just the hubs who bore witness to my innocent albeit ignorant query. As luck would have it that un-PC, offensive and sexist misogynist (mentioned earlier) was standing right behind me as we three peered onto Facebook together. Way to go dispelling his thicko SAHM theory, Momma!

I knew I'd said something humongously stupid as soon as the words left my mouth.The shame on the hubs' face paired with disbelief and embarrassment on our buddy's said it all...

Ah well. I refuse to feel too bad about this one! I just had a baby - I'm marooned on my breastfeeding island (sort of) - without Cable TV or even a radio. True - we have internet, but when do I have time to  read about American Politics? (When I'm not blogging - eh?!) The only 'news' I catch is my FB New-Feed or whatever Yahoo chooses to report on its homepage - and, until this ignoramus incident, Mitt Romney's face had never cropped up!

Anyway, last time I checked I was still British - so Mitt won't be getting my vote, and neither will any other joker politician anytime soon.

In a way it's kind of a relief taking a break from 'seeming' intelligent. I always felt somewhat of a fraud wearing my engineer's hard hat. It's so much 'easier' - at least on the grey matter - to be a SAHM(oron)!

Don't they say ignorance is bliss?

Go Momma disclaimer: All bagging out of Momma is for the sake of humour. Head hunters and potential future employers should take this post with a pinch of salt. I'm just having a bit of a laugh at my own expense - really - I'm no more blonde than I ever was. Don't believe me? Check out my profile pic top right.... still a brunette, see!


  1. Children definately will make you stupid and the older they get the stupider you will become until they hit about 25 then you get smart again, then when you hit 60 you start to get stupid for least the sense of humor is always there.

  2. I think it's the sleep deprivation. For every night that you're kept awake past your breaking point your critical thinking skills atrophy a little more. I'm really hoping "mom brain" can be fixed by some solid know, in a few years.

  3. ha!!! another great read... keep 'em coming. you are too cool for school. love it. take care, slu (i hope this does not disappear) ha!!!

  4. I became an iPhone news app junkie when baby was 6 months and I realized i had absolutely nothing to say to other adults... But I'm with you on skipping the politics!

    1. Yet ANOTHER great reason for joining the masses and upgrading to iPhone! Although I still haven't figured out the texting system on my Samsung cellphone... far too complicated for the likes of me;)

  5. That was a great post! I totally agree with you about getting 'stupider' the longer we remain SAHMs. I am an example for sure. Stayed home for 9 years and built excellent communication skills when it comes to conversing with babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers and early elementary kids. Beyond that I felt mentally incapacitated to discuss any subject (apart from child related) with adults. I felt "left out". It took a lot of 'studying' to fit back in even though my brain smart cells never reached their former full potential!

    1. I'm back to let you know that you have been nominated for the Versatile Award! Congratulations! Check to find out about it!

    2. Aw, thank you, Vicki! I'll be over pronto;D

  6. Absolutely happens. I find it amazing that I have a Master's degree in Education, yet still can't find words during the day. I speak with people using a lot of "Uhh, I ummms" I don't know what happened to my vocabulary or memory. It is comforting to know that this isn't an anomaly. Hang in there. Look how many of us are out there on that same branch with you. We're the fun ones to gab with anyway. :)

  7. ::sigh:: I have no hope of recovery then if they suck it out through the boobs. BFing twins for 6 months has left my brain fried!

    Stopping by to say hi from Southern Mamas Blog Hop. :)

  8. LMAO! I am so glad that I found you on the GFC Hop! You are hilarious! I almost ruined my laptop by spitting out my coffee laughing at this post! LOVE YOU and a new follower!

  9. Great post!! You just crack me up! :) In fact, I just awarded you The Illuminating Blogger Award. I hope you'll accept!

    1. Yay Jlee - you are too FABULOUS to me! I accept:D now I just have to find a spare few minutes to make it official!

  10. Funny post (also glad you put the disclaimer in!)

  11. Funny!

    New follower!


  12. Love the name of this post! Great pic!
    Cute blog! LOVE! Lets follow each other!
    Have a great weekend girly!

  13. Hilarious post, hilarious! I am a new follower from the GFC blog hop! I hope you are having a great weekend!!!


  14. Ignorance is definitely bliss--safer inside my stupidity for sure!