Thursday, February 7, 2013


For the most part I don't even feel the loneliness, then BOOM!

Something happens to shake my bubble and I need someone to talk to and then...... I'm lost. I don't know which way to turn.

It happens more and more like that these days. There used to be a time when I would call 15 people up in succession and they'd each get the complete run down of my woes in turn until I felt better. Or at least until I was over it.

These days I run through the shortened list in my head: my mum, my sister... and one or two others. But I don't always make the calls (sometimes it's because I can't not because I won't). This morning was one of those moments. I don't know when I became so closed.....

There's one person I would have called, had the situation been different.

Instead I called the hubs. I pulled him out of class to listen, and he did. He gave me 9 minutes of which I am truly grateful. (He also assured me that I'm not pathetic for which I was even more grateful.) Then I had to ring off and let him work.

But 9 minutes wasn't enough to lay my demons to rest.

Over the next few hours I connected with four different people, one of whom had reached out to me. But she didn't know I needed to talk - how could she? - and so I didn't talk. At least not about me.

Sometimes I don't need to 'share' to come out of my funk. Sometimes all it takes is a fun chit-chat with a good friend and once again all is right with my world. In essence the loneliness is gone.

But when the call ended the hole in my stomach hadn't closed.

So I reached out to some of my dearest friends by text. But not with truth. My messages were light and covert. I know in my heart that if I'd spelled out the truth I would have had many ears offered.

I really don't know when I built up these walls. I always thought I was so open.

I used to be so open. I remember there was a time I would open my heart and bare my soul to a new friend. At times it was my undoing. I believed it would seal the friendship, but too often it would leave me feeling vulnerable.

One of my closest friends put this up on Facebook this morning, and I thought how ironic it was. I know I could have called her too. I don't know why I didn't.

Instead I called another friend, and we chatted, but again not about me. I'd known she needed to talk, I'd seen her FB status. And I needed a distraction. It was a win win.

This worked, but only for a short while. Then I came back to this place.

It's nap time. I put the boys down and then I lay here nursing the littlest and staring at nothing on Facebook, when I saw a little green Skype bubble pop-up that lifted my heart a little.

Mum and Dad were online.

We managed 3:08s before the internet connection let out. It helped. Just that I was able to tell them I'd missed them helped. That was enough to emote a little, and I cried a little. Just a little.

I'm okay, really I am.

I just got a text back from my best friend, and we tried to coordinate a Skype date for this afternoon. But our timing was off and truthfully I didn't try hard enough. I'd already started writing this. I needed to get this out of my head..

But now I'm thinking; Holy shit! When did my blogging start to take the place of true friendship? Is this an emotional crutch I've developed? My seemingly safe haven where I can bear my soul to the internet and hide from the repercussions.

It doesn't make sense. You who care enough to read are most of the same people I would 'share' with in real life, and yet this feels safer. Less like emotional baggage. I guess it's because you can opt out. No one has to read this.

I realize my loneliness is my own doing.

I'm afraid to burden my family and friends. I want them to feel my positive energy when I'm around them and be suffused by good energy when they think of me. Thankfully I don't have these same issues with 'you' yet. Why is that, I wonder? 

I've joked in the past about blogging being like free therapy for me, but it's really no joke, and today it's really not all that funny.


  1. It can be very isolating raising babies, no doubt. You're allowed to need people sometimes and the people who love you love to be needed by you. Hang in there, big hugs, and I hope the writing helped a little. And I hope there's nothing wrong with Blog As Therapy because if there is I'm in big trouble.

  2. I hear you, friend. I don't think you are the only person who has felt like blogging has become a substitute for friendship. Well, if it's free therapy, then I'm your girl! Sometimes I wish I knew you "in real life" so we could talk or get together! I know I'm no substitute for an actual nearby friend, but I am here if you feel like unloading on me! Facebook message, email, etc.... I am an excellent fake/free therapist. I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. Let me know if I can help!

  3. Aw, I know exactly what you mean. At some point after I had my son I stopped talking to people I used to speak with weekly. When we were going through trying to figure out whether he's autistic or not, I stopped talking even more. Although I wanted to share, I just couldn't. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. And I got more and more lonely.
    I've also done a terrible job of making friends where I live and have only recently resolved to reach out to some of my son's classmate's moms, because I really do crave the human connection, too.

    Sorry to hear that you're having a lonely day. Not that it helps, but I promise that so many of us have been there. Additionally, I also feel like sometimes my blog replaces real-life friendships. If I only have a few hours at night to write, draw stupid pictures and read all of the blogs I love (like you), I just don't have time for a phone call. It's sort of sad, right? Or free therapy?

    I like the free therapy. Because it really is.
    <3 HUGS to you!

  4. While I cant say that I understabd motherhood (yet), I do understand lonliness and feeling closed off. I find myself reading your blog from the floor of the hotel bathroom. Feeling alone and yet wanting to be alone with my lonliness... Somehow I can make sense of it. Im glad to know that someone else has similar feelings, it helps share these lonely thoughts. And also good to know that they are only feelings, cause in reality we are surronded by loved ones!

  5. My best friend of the past (almost) ten years lives in Norway. We basically never Skype. We've always used AIM, though now we've migrated to iMessage a little. I almost always have a chatbox open for her. It helps, with the loneliness. Even if we don't manage to connect because of time zone fail or busyness we can type out whatever's bothering us and know the other will read it and respond the next time they're at their computer. It's easier to get tough stuff out your fingers sometimes, than it is to say - especially if you think it's a bit silly or you know it's something you can't change and you just need to vent. I can see why you would use your blog in lieu of having to speak your problems.

  6. I often over share and am left feeling vulnerable. I fear that sharing my thoughts will lead my friends to think I'm even 'crazier' then I myself think I am. I don't have any answers for you. :( I struggle with this to this very day. I even worry about burdening my mom. Hugs hugs hugs. I know we are 'blogging buddies' but feel free to email me anytime. I'm a good pen pal. ;)