Something happens to shake my bubble and I need someone to talk to and then...... I'm lost. I don't know which way to turn.
It happens more and more like that these days. There used to be a time when I would call 15 people up in succession and they'd each get the complete run down of my woes in turn until I felt better. Or at least until I was over it.
These days I run through the shortened list in my head: my mum, my sister... and one or two others. But I don't always make the calls (sometimes it's because I can't not because I won't). This morning was one of those moments. I don't know when I became so closed.....
There's one person I would have called, had the situation been different.
Instead I called the hubs. I pulled him out of class to listen, and he did. He gave me 9 minutes of which I am truly grateful. (He also assured me that I'm not pathetic for which I was even more grateful.) Then I had to ring off and let him work.
But 9 minutes wasn't enough to lay my demons to rest.
Over the next few hours I connected with four different people, one of whom had reached out to me. But she didn't know I needed to talk - how could she? - and so I didn't talk. At least not about me.
Sometimes I don't need to 'share' to come out of my funk. Sometimes all it takes is a fun chit-chat with a good friend and once again all is right with my world. In essence the loneliness is gone.
But when the call ended the hole in my stomach hadn't closed.
So I reached out to some of my dearest friends by text. But not with truth. My messages were light and covert. I know in my heart that if I'd spelled out the truth I would have had many ears offered.
I really don't know when I built up these walls. I always thought I was so open.
I used to be so open. I remember there was a time I would open my heart and bare my soul to a new friend. At times it was my undoing. I believed it would seal the friendship, but too often it would leave me feeling vulnerable.
One of my closest friends put this up on Facebook this morning, and I thought how ironic it was. I know I could have called her too. I don't know why I didn't.
Instead I called another friend, and we chatted, but again not about me. I'd known she needed to talk, I'd seen her FB status. And I needed a distraction. It was a win win.
This worked, but only for a short while. Then I came back to this place.
It's nap time. I put the boys down and then I lay here nursing the littlest and staring at nothing on Facebook, when I saw a little green Skype bubble pop-up that lifted my heart a little.
Mum and Dad were online.
We managed 3:08s before the internet connection let out. It helped. Just that I was able to tell them I'd missed them helped. That was enough to emote a little, and I cried a little. Just a little.
I'm okay, really I am.
I just got a text back from my best friend, and we tried to coordinate a Skype date for this afternoon. But our timing was off and truthfully I didn't try hard enough. I'd already started writing this. I needed to get this out of my head..
But now I'm thinking; Holy shit! When did my blogging start to take the place of true friendship? Is this an emotional crutch I've developed? My seemingly safe haven where I can bear my soul to the internet and hide from the repercussions.
It doesn't make sense. You who care enough to read are most of the same people I would 'share' with in real life, and yet this feels safer. Less like emotional baggage. I guess it's because you can opt out. No one has to read this.
I realize my loneliness is my own doing.
I'm afraid to burden my family and friends. I want them to feel my positive energy when I'm around them and be suffused by good energy when they think of me. Thankfully I don't have these same issues with 'you' yet. Why is that, I wonder?
I've joked in the past about blogging being like free therapy for me, but it's really no joke, and today it's really not all that funny.