Sunday, February 17, 2013

Only 6 vibrators each, please ladies! Let's not be greedy!!!

At a play date recently we mommas got to talking about the law. I know, right? Very sophisticated discourse for a baby-brained bunch of mommies chit-chatting...

It all started with an off-the-cuff remark from one mommy about needing to go collect her teen after school. This was followed by her expressing concern about her teenager's friends smoking pot (it's always the friends).

Naturally our conversation progressed to pot in general and the legality issues surrounding it. Not very stimulating stuff.....

Then, one Mommy piped up with:

"You know what is crazy?" She had a glint in her eye, so this had to be good...

We all waited in anticipation, while she paused for effect...

"You can't own more than three sex toys in the state of Texas." (She silently mouthed the word sex.)

WTF? Where have I emigrated to? I'm living on the set of Footloose!!!! 

The worrying thing for me is, I've blogged openly about my stash before. My contraband is 'public' knowledge. Is it only a matter of time before the local sheriff comes knocking on the cabin door with a search warrant?

OMG! My babies are going to grow up as orphans, while their depraved momma is doing hard-time for possession of a rabbit... and a dolphin...... and a totem pole...!!! (all hypothetically speaking of course)

"Noooooooooooooo!" was my first response. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Could a law such as this truly exist?

Another mommy nodded. Then someone else raised the shock levels even higher...

"I heard blow-jobs were illegal in the state of Arkansas." Say WHAT now??? Hold the phone!

My jaw dropped to the floor, in an inadvertent demonstration of my own oral capacity.....  I was rendered speechless.

Finally I got over the shock just enough to emit the negatory word once again. I hardly recognized the guttural cry as my own voice, it was filled with such mock anguish and disbelief.


Laughter ensued. Lots of it. And it was a marvelous daytime ice-breaker. These conversations are usually reserved for MNO (Mom's night out), where the wine flows liberally and inhibitions are best left at the door.

Don't worry, most of the kids were out of earshot on the play-scape. And there was a mix of charades and stage whispering going on among the mommies.

In spite of our commendable discretion there's still likely to be a handful of three years olds pushing their cheeks out with their tongues this morning and loudly whispering, shhhhhhhhhh, 'SEX'. But at least they won't be doing it in school (sidenote disclaimer: Before you judge me, know that my writing is all very tongue in cheek... hahaha)

The ironic thing is, recently I've toyed with the idea of becoming a passion party hostess.

The idea came to me after I went to an Arbonne Spa party and went home with nothing but a younger looking face (only according to the party host). 60 bucks for moisturizer? What does it have in there, crushed diamonds? No, thank you! Hasn't Miss Arbonne ever been to Ross?

In any case, the party got me thinking about what fun side jobs I could be doing to earn a bit of petty cash and escape from the kids get out of the house a couple of times a month. Unfortunately sales have never been my thing. I'm pretty sure I'd be the worst Arbonne Spa rep to grace the planet.

I'm just not mercenary enough. I'd be thinking the buyer shouldn't be wasting their hard earned pennies on my overpriced Spa products. I'd be thinking about how they could just buy a bar of Dove then use the rest to take their entire family out for a meal. And if I did manage to con someone into purchasing the whole product line I probably wouldn't sleep for weeks with the guilt of it all.

I used to be an Avon 'lady' when I was 16, but that didn't work out too well. It cost my mum and sister a fortune to try and keep me in business. At least Avon sold a few items we plebs could afford, unlike Arbonne where the full cost of the product line could probably get you a weekend in Cancun, and there would still be a few pennies left over for that bar of soap.

The heart of my sales problem is integrity. How can I push a product on people (least of all my family and friends) if I don't believe in it? I don't wear make-up, and in spite of being ripped off by Clinique in the past I don't cleanse, tone and moisturize. I soap my face with whatever soap we got for Christmas, and I moisturize with whatever was left on the shelf last time we went toy shopping in Ross. My beauty routine costs a whopping 5 bucks a quarter, if that.

But, vibrators? Now there's a product I do believe in!

Back in the UK there's a chain called Ann Summers. You can attend or host a party (a rep will come to you) or you can visit a store. There's one on the High street in Aberdeen where we used to live. Ann Summers isn't the only place you can 'hook a daddy up'. But it's by far the classiest.

All the rest are a tad less reputable, but it's really the same merchandise. The fundamental difference being that Ann Summers sells to women. Men can enter the store but only if they are with their lady. It's a little less grubby that way. You can shop for lube, and latex and crotchless knickers without fear of a dirty old man in a Mac [trench-coat] skulking around behind you, rubbing his.... thighs in anticipation.

I attended a passion party a couple of years ago here in Austin. It was the same premise as Ann Summers. A group of women gathered, chatted, ate nibbles and drank wine. Once everyone had loosened up a little the party games ensued to further break the ice, then - when everyone was gagging for it - the rep finally opened her long awaited suitcase of goodies.

There are creams to smell that can warm and tingle. Balls and beads to marvel over and electronic devices that if used correctly would have every woman on Earth willingly turn in their iPhone as collateral. Believe me, I can go without my phone for a few days...

The highlight of the party is passing around the battery operated toys for each lady in turn to test run on her nose. After all - that's really why we were all there.

I know I could sell these products, because I believe in them. I'd be doing every woman that parted with her money a favor. I would be making her quality of life better by providing stress relief, marriage counselling, and sexual awareness, all at the push of a button. Hell - I'd be my own best customer!

When I got home from the play date I looked up what dumb laws on dildo ownership still exist in Texas. Here's what I discovered:

State law: Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.

Dallas city law: It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.

After some swift mental arithmetic - and counting on only the one hand - I realized, I'm good. *phew.

As strange as it seems to me that anyone (I'm sure a man) has even taken the time and trouble to write up and pass a law about dildos, limiting us to a whopping six each doesn't seem all that conservative after all.

I realize they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes with varying rotations and speeds. But SIX? It's not really the same as owning six handbags, or six pairs of shoes.

I'm thinking you'd have to be in the porn industry to require more than SIX vibrators, am I right? Let's face it, it's a little excessive. Unless you're selling them of course, which is what I'm thinking about doing.

If I were to become the local dildo dealer (and I said IF) I'd have to make sure not to carry more than 6 buzzers in my suitcase at a time. And I would have to make it very clear:

'Only 6 vibrators each, please ladies! Let's not be greedy!!!'

FACT: Some women never orgasm.

This is a crying shame.


In case you are wondering, apparently oral sex is considered to be sodomy in the state of Arkansas and is punishable by law.

But Arkansas is weird. Female teachers who cut their hair in a bob cannot be given a raise, and in Little Rock a man is legally allowed to beat his wife provided he does it with a stick no bigger than 3 inches across and not more than once a month.


Speaking of which, you can also purchase a bottom paddle at one of these passion parties if you fancy a bit of Fifty Shades action. Since the 'Shady' trilogy made bondage mainstream, it's probably not a bad time to start touting sex toys, even if we are in Texas.


  1. HAHA you are hilarious! You have to post pictures of you showing off your new products and all of your neighbor's facial expressions when they're pretending to not be as excited as you are. So funny. Glad you barely escaped arrest with only owning enough BOBs to count on one hand. Phew.

    1. Lol! Kristi, I have to admit I actually Googled 'BOB' to work out what the last 'B' stood for!! Hehe, 'BOYFRIEND', doh!

  2. PS - I answered more questions in Tagged, Part 2! :)

  3. talk about a ridicolous law. Sounds like a good conversation starter for my next get together. lol.

  4. Oh, this is just delicious! I have GOT to refer to this conversation with my gal pals...AFTER several glasses of wine!!!

  5. omg!! I love the part about your costing your sister and "mum" a fortune to stay in business. I think your right though, about making extra cash. I dont know if its how you say it or what, but you can get away with more than other women without sounding grotesque.
    please start passion party!!

  6. This was by far your best post ever. I laughed out loud many times!! And BTW, if you become a dildo dealer (lmao) I'm coming to TX to attend your first gig. :D

  7. ...But Arkansas is weird. I seriously can't stop laughing.

  8. Based upon this post, I'm thinking of moving to Arkansas immediately. No blow jobs AND no limit on the number of dildos I can have? PAR-TAY!

    I would come to your sex toy party. It would be mostly for the wine, and then I would giggle and repeat words like "clitoris" under my breath and then laugh quietly. I think I might make some of your friends uncomfortable, but I would still come. I anxiously await my invitation.

    And I will be in Austin later this week for SXSW, so don't think I won't know if you have a party without me.

  9. HOLY CRAP...i think you just became one of my top ten bloggers. This post is brutally funny and honest, and JUST MY KIND of reading! Pure awesomeness.