Tuesday, November 20, 2012

27 days

It's been exactly 27 days since the last time I put a P in a circle on my calender. Period. That's almost back to normal. Assuming my 'normal' is normal.

I even bought some tampons. I don't know why I've been so hesitant. I'm still sort of tender and achy when I menstruate, but not more than I ever was before. I don't ever remember being able to shoot my tampon out when I pee though.

"Your vagina's probably looser.." Was the hubs' attempt at reassurance. Yes - I don't know why I told him either!

WTF!!? Does he have a death wish or something?

I can make fun of my own baggy box (I told him) - but if he ever wants to get inside those flappier than usual flaps ever again he needs to lay off the 'loose' phrasing.


My baby girl (no longer a newborn) is a little over 15 weeks old, and this is my third... no, FOURTH period since I gave birth. That's after four weeks of Lochia.

After my Crimson Tide! post, I got a comment that put the willies up me. Since then I've been a little concerned that a chunk of my placenta (or horrifyingly worse, another baby) was stuck up there...

That would explain the erratic periods. Or not.

Rather than going back to the OBGYN for further testing, and an inevitable D&C (scrape), I decided to wait it out, just like they did in the good old days.

Finally, I think I can call this one a real period. Oh, the other ones were pretty bloody real too - but a fortnightly flo(w)? I was ovulating more than I wasn't. Just call me Fertile Myrtle.

No wonder I've been TERRIFIED of sex.

For a while there the only 'willies' up me were the freaky kind! The fear that I might have been carrying some legacy lochia made me even more leery of the pill. The hormones alone and their unknown future effect on baby girl were already enough to have me partying pill-less, but not knowing if my uterus had fully rebounded gave me more reason to wait.

So we waited.

Someone suggested celibacy as a viable form of contraception - and without making a conscious decision that has been super effective for us.

Baby #2 and #3 were both one shot wonders. I daren't even get in the bath after my husband these days - and that's no good for rainwater collectors like us.

It's like he's carrying a loaded weapon. One wrong move and we'll be up shit creek with another baby.

"That wouldn't be so bad," said the hubs.

(Cue hysterical crazy laughter.)

Give me a break Daddy!

But the guy is way too much of a gentlemen to pressure me (into sex - not more kids!)

Pressure me goddamn it!

I know I've been saying "No!" and "No." and "Nooooooo!" and "NO!" for months, but now I'm saying "YESSSSS!", "PLEASE!" and "NOW!"or "What do you mean you're too tired???!!!?!"

What's wrong with him?...... What's wrong with me? We've got all the cliches back to front! He's the one pleading exhaustion, while I'm on step ladders in the utility room digging around for that one elusive shiny foil packet that didn't get thrown out last spring.

Expires Dec 2012.... still two weeks left! Wahoo - game on!

It's funny but the only redeeming quality to a condom (besides its contraceptive value) is now mine enemy.

Sex takes FOREVER. And Momma doesn't have forever. I've had to evolve to meet the needs of our children. I'm done with sacrificing the big 'O' for some extended frolicking. I'm not fooling around anymore. I'm getting my kicks when I can.

Eat fast, shower fast, poop fast, CUM fast!

So now I'm like a dodgy firework that goes off way too early. Unfortunately the hubs wants me to stick around until the end of the show. Seriously, Dude! The most interesting part is over for me. I'm already half asleep thinking 'Come on - finish up already!'

I swear it's the condom, NOT my vagina.

Oh Lord! I'll be doing kegels while I edit this one.

Whoever said romance is dead?


  1. You have no fear telling it how it is.... That's what I love about reading your stories! The are so true yet hysterically funny <3

  2. ewww Who is Anonymous? NoShow?

  3. Hilarious as always, Josie! I love the part about the "hurrying up". Too true. Life as a young momma never seems to slow down..in any department. It will, eventually... Thanks for the smiles and as always, hang in there :)

  4. Oh my gosh...I just laughed so hard, I woke a napping baby. This is hilarious, Josie -- thanks for brightening my morning!

  5. Thanks for linking up this last time and for all the other times, Josie. This made me laugh today, "Baby #2 and #3 were both one shot wonders. I daren't even get in the bath after my husband these days'

    I've just noticed that you've added in the option to subscribe via email. I'm there!