I don't know what's gotten in to me tonight. Perhaps it's all the sugary crap that's crept into my diet of late. Or maybe it's sleep deprivation that's starting to take its toll (although it's no worse now than it's been for the last 4 years!)
I just feel like crap.
I know I look like crap -.my mirror has been particularly cruel tonight - and I'm fairly certain I smell like crap too.
I think this worthless feeling started to wash over me a few days ago. It all started when the hubs told me I had a pooch.
Not cool, right?
And anyway, like I don't already know. It's my 'trophy' for birthing three bairns in three years! At least, that's what I've been telling my still pregnant profile. But today I just feel like a greedy bitch that needs to lay off the cake and ice cream. My complexion and mood would agree.
Blogging is incredibly difficult when I'm feeling like this.
Ironically this is when I need my blog the most.
The words aren't flowing out like they do when I'm happy me. Instead I'm second guessing each word and restructuring every sentence. I must have reread and edited what's written above twenty times already - and it still reads like crap.
What do I care? I doubt I'll publish this one.
It's taken me forever to get this far, and the kids are still awake....
That's the crux of it, right there. I feel like a crappy Mom.
There, I've typed it. Once I've published it I can't take it back.
A blogger friend of mine writes a hilarious blog about why she's a 'Bad Mom'. She's not really a bad mom - although not everybody knows this.
Funnily enough, it doesn't matter what you think you've written, it can be taken in a million different ways by your readership. Blogs are subjective. And people read between the lines.
I thought this didn't matter. The important people - the ones that really care - know the truth, right?
How quickly the lines get blurry. If you tell yourself something often enough you'll start to believe it - so why wouldn't your friends and family believe it too?
There are workshops that teach this (positive) affirmation shit! Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you ARE beautiful at least ten times a day (totally gonna give that a shot tomorrow!)
I'm always so quick to poke fun at myself - especially when I blog. I conned myself into thinking that only a very self assured and confident person could laugh at themselves...
I guess it's true for the most part.
But tonight I'm in that sad lonely place where nobody loves me. I am stupid and worthless, fat and ugly. I'm a crappy Momma and a terrible writer.
See. I warned you not to read this one.