Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Mr Mom - and the backstory on that slutty tramp, Barbie

Yep - he's ALL mine, ladies! 
The other day I stumbled across naked Barbie's derriere sticking up out of the wood chippings at the church playground!

Someone had hacked off her once-upon-a-time long blonde tendrils giving her a sexy sassy look. Her limbs were somewhat bent out of shape so I fixed her hips into what looked like her 'ín the box' position. Sort of a leg flicking ditsy pose.

I couldn't resist waving the miniature hotty over the playground fence at my homies - my stay 'homie' Momma friends - who were all sitting on picnic blankets just outside the play area.

I was very restrained (for me), exercising much decorum in my humour.

Funny without being totally vulgar, was all I was going for here, after all, there were at least two Mommas I'd never met before. It wasn't the time yet (or the place) to get down and dirty with it...

That could wait for the blog: [for totally inappropriate plastic porn click here]

But at the church playground - with a bunch of Southern Mamas, impressionable kids on the loose, and NO wine? Not a chance I was ready to rock that boat (I know! Total prude, right? Who'd a thunk!)

The hubs however was a different story! More fool me for leaving butt-ass naked Barbie under his depraved supervision!

He was with us on an early afternoon Momma group play-date, and - let me tell you - he makes one helluva Momma!

Lucky for me, Daddy's teacher schedule gets him out at 3:30pm and with three tiny ones, his presence at the park, is a godsend...(mostly).

I'm not sure if having a man among the Mommas shuts down the conversation for the others at all - it definitely mutes me a tad when it comes to any bloke-bashing banter!

He likes to hang with the Mamas - much like me - and so I often find I'm the one running after the kids while he's bouncing the baby in their midst.

I don't mind admitting; that pisses me off a little!

That's MY mommy time dude. You've been socializing with adults all day! Stop cramping my style - be here (please) but go do it over there (thank you) - and preferably take the kids with you (I'll make it up to you later...)

I know that's not very fair. But, hey, I'm just saying it the way it is..

I love my Mr Mom to pieces. I'm so proud of his willingness to play Daddy to ANY of the kids when their Mommy's hands are full. One of them joked last night about how there's a rumor going around the village that we're all married to HIM.

Not such an unlikely prospect in this neck of the woods!!

He's definitely on top form whenever he's on show - and especially in front of my yummy Mummy friends. They're often gushing about him, and in the past I've even felt jealous - yes JEALOUS! And not that he's getting an eyeful of mamaries (trust me ladies - you'd be helping me out in that department).

I'm actual jealous of 'him'.

The other Mommas have such a high opinion of his Daddy qualities - but what about Momma's qualities?

I know (*sigh). I'm a horrible person.

But he already gets his recognition; he's an awesome teacher, an awesome singer, an awesome actor, an awesome whatever the hell he turns his hands to - AND an awesome parent to boot!

He's got the goddamn Midas touch!

Being the Momma is MY thing. And right now, it's all I've got - give ME some credit!

His being such a publicly brilliant Daddy takes away my grounds for griping - and it makes me look like such an ungrateful bitch when I moan about him at Mommies' night out!

Trust me he's not perfect. But neither am I. We're REAL people, and - like everyone else - we argue about all the same crap that other parents with small children do.

It's about time he besmirched that perfect public papa rep - and holding on to Homeless Ho Barbie was far too tempting an opportunity for hilarity, for my (horny) hubs to pass up....

Barely a minute after I'd left him alone with Barbie in the park he'd repositioned her into a sitting legs akimbo pose and was flashing her fanny to all the Mommas.

I don't think he was going for a 'birthing' Barbie pose - but that's what it looked like to me...

"Birthing Barbie!" I laughingly exclaimed - a little nervously - and the other Mommas laughed too (most of them).

Now I come to think of it - what a brilliant idea. Preggo Barbie! How has that not been done already? She could come with a little cord attached baby that squeezes out of her fully-dilated fadgina!

It didn't end there though, oh no. He was just getting warmed up..

Minutes later another Momma drew my attention back to my husband - kind of like when a Momma draws your attention to your child's bad behavior when you're not paying full attention...

By this time my husband was balancing homeless ho Barbie on his baseball cap in a most unladylike position, while pushing my 20 month old boy around on a 'cycle-bike'.

I couldn't help but laugh. It was funny. Totally inappropriate - but too funny.

But of course I'd find it funny - I married him, didn't I? By now I'm used to him and his public stunts. I hardly get embarrassed anymore - even when he smears ice cream all over his beard at formal occasions, I'm a proud proud wife.

''It's because he's not getting any." was how I laughingly excused his frat-boy behaviour to the Mommas.


The hubs feigned hurt surprise when I let him proofread this post.

"What do you mean inappropriate?" He frowned. (Yeah, I know. Pot calling the kettle black, right?)

Okay, so my retort to the Mommas was hardly church grounds chitchat material either but it was also cryptic enough for all our preschoolers not to mimic....

Our three year old 'playing' with Barbie the next day.
TOTALLY unprompted!
I rest my case.


  1. This is hilarious!! I'm glad you have a husband that isn't stuck up and has a good time! I found your blog on the Nap Time Review blog hop. New follower!

  2. Following/commeting from the Mommy brain mixer! I hope you'll come and do the same :)

  3. I'm a little freaked out that her butt is THAT sculpted. I feel like I shouldn't look at the picture in public or someone will accuse me of looking at porn!! I dont' remember her butt being like that when I had a Barbie!!