Hello, my name is Josie and today I'm a bitch.

Last night I walked into the cabin to silence. Wonderful blissful silence. But it was a trick.

Within minutes my eldest was up complaining "Me hungry!"

Delay tactic? Maybe.

Genuinely hungry? Possible.

But I didn't have a scooby. I start to drill the hubs, and we elicit that he could be hungry. They didn't really have any supper. That kind of thing.

So I break my rule. The kid gets to hang out with Mom and Dad and eat a cereal bar. No biggie. I empty and reload the dishwasher, and Daddy gets cracking on some lesson planning.

After his cereal bar big kid toddled off to bed no problem. The late supper didn't mess with his bedtime routing too much. (Who's betting we get a cereal bar request after lights out tonight though?)

In any case, I'm thankful for the night out. I'm thankful my hubs is willing to babysit all three of his kids. I'm thankful that they all had fun and there were no melt-downs, or injuries.

I'm still cheesed off. I'm cheesed off because when I got home baby girl was fast asleep, and she had been for almost three hours.

A night out (two hours at the local Mexican restaurant) does not equate to a night off for Momma. On the contrary. It's a trade off. I have to work harder when I get back to pay for it. (And by 'paying' for it I don't mean *GPN. It isn't Daddy's birthday for goodness sake. Let's not get carried away here!)

I have to bite my tongue. I have to not complain. I should be grateful Daddy handled it all so easily. But I'm not grateful. I'm irritated that he let her sleep the evening away. I can feel your judgement of me from the other end of cyberspace even before I type this. I already judge myself for my irritation.

Believe me. Baby did not need to sleep from 6pm until 9pm. She needed to play. She needed to eat cereal.

Hmmmm. Back up a minute here Momma...

Maybe the following rewording is MORE accurate:

Mommy did not need baby to sleep from 6pm until 9pm. Mommy needed baby to play. Mommy needed baby to eat cereal.

Because Mommy needed the whole night OFF. Mommy needed to sleep.

So today I'm grumpy. I didn't get the night off. And I didn't get enough sleep (like the hubs and I ever get 'enough' sleep these days).

I did try.

I snook into bed with baby girl after big kid had gone back to bed. Maybe, just maybe she was down for the night. If I could just nurse her before she roused.....

Not a chance in hell.

I could almost hear her chipper greeting "Good Morning!" as her face broke out into the biggest smile (hard to resist) when she saw me. Her tired was gone. After the best three hour power nap, she was ready for a night on the tiles.

*sigh.

And who's turn was it to play? Momma's of course. Daddy had just babysat for 2 and a half hours. His dissertation was waiting for him.

Oh, but if I could just close my eyes for two minutes......

Oh, the GUILT.

None of this is supposed to be a gripe at Daddy. Daddy was willing to keep playing. Any distraction from his Masters - especially if it comes in the shape of a happy, squealing, playful 6 month old baby girl package.

But Momma's guilt was working overtime. I think I made it in to bed by midnight. And I think there were four hours connected sleep at some point over the course of the night.

Whatever the math.... whatever the total sleep count.... whatever my Mommy cells should be acclimated to....

F*** ME I'm tired!

I'm SO tired, I'm a bitch (a potty mouthed bitch to boot!). I think today I've reached an all time high in my tired. I've never felt this tired before.

All this is coming on the back of three babies (in three years), a week of the norovirus, a health scare that's still giving me nightmares, the youngest nursing and teething all night long, and the middle one nighttime potty training. How's that for a bit of self justification? Oh, and last night I had a beer.

Today is for sucks (as the hubs likes to say).

Today Momma's head hurts.

Today is a day for embracing Barney and eating cold mac and cheese.

Today Momma shouldn't be allowed to speak to anyone. On second thought, perhaps today is the perfect day to get on the blower to our letting agents in Scotland..... 

Today my filter is gone and my 'tired' colors are shining through. At least my blog understands me....

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1:00pm update: Crayoning (what? it's a verb) has been surprisingly therapeutic. Thank you L-boy!


*GPN: Guaranteed Pussy Night