Insecurities mess with those of us that seem the most confident. There is strength in vulnerability so I am not ashamed to admit that tonight I'm feeling lonely and left out. That may surprise some of you, others not at all.
Appearances aren't always what they seem, and though I laugh hard at the worst of times, if you prick me do I not bleed?
These emotions didn't well up suddenly overnight. They've been brewing for a few weeks, and tonight following a run of meaningless social and Facebook incidents, I came up against the straw that broke the camel's back, I've been left out of a party.
I know, small beans right? Normally this wouldn't matter. But for some reason it does - it really matters to me. And considering how close I'd considered our friendships to have become - both the kids and the Mommies - I'm feeling somewhat deflated about everything.
I know - very melodramatic - especially when all we're talking about here are a few party games and a slice of cake. I checked the calender the second I walked through the door, and YES I am due to be PMS-ing, which possibly explains a lot...
If it had been an isolated incident, or any other time of the month - I know I wouldn't give a bugger. And what's more, logic and practicality tell me that it's not personal. Everybody can't be invited - there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I'm just not cool enough to make the cut-off.
And I know, if they'd have invited me they'd have to invite so and so, and so on.. and blah blah blah blah blah.
I get it. But still.
There's a little nagging paranoia demon in my head taunting me:
They don't like you. They don't get your British humor. They don't want to be written about in your blog. You have too may children. You're a heathen. You talk too much. You smell. etc
Everybody says that when you get a bunch of women together you always get problems. It's inevitable - there'll be bitchiness and catty behavior eventually. I don't know about that....
The Mommas in this area are pretty remarkable. Had it not been for the existing Momma networks (and the local library) having babies would have been dangerously lonely in this town. In fact, ironically, I've never had this many friends before. That's probably the problem.
Maybe I need a 'clique'.
A bit like the pink-ladies. Four exclusive close friends with similar mindsets..
I've already noticed an existing 'clique' or two within the Mommas. And that's okay - great for them. I don't think I've ever had my own clique (but maybe you can't see it's a clique unless you're on the outside). I've always fancied myself as a social chameleon (or social butterfly whore as one boozed up friend fondly dubbed me). With an uncanny knack of fitting into any group.
But who am I kidding? It can get lonely being me.
Really all I've ever wanted was a best friend. Just the one. A person I can trust with all my insecurities and my deepest darkest secrets. Someone who'll laugh at my cray-cray and listen when I vent. Hmmm, that sounds more like a therapist than a friend.
Ally McBeal had the right idea. I remember telling my Mum that one day when I was rich I'd visit my counselor weekly (along with my hairdresser and masseuse). Of course I'd pick the day my cleaner was coming over.....
Anyway, that special friend.. you know, the one I was just talking about? I had one back in Scotland and I left her behind. It's impossible to take your friends with you across the world. And although phones and the internet keep impossible relationships ticking over, it's not a patch on watching a movie together or chatting over a cuppie in the office, or drinking a beer at the local pub.
This last move (four years ago) had me running scared, because three years before that I got very very lucky - and it was almost too late back then (I know it's never too late). Lifelong friendships were already established among my colleagues - making time and energy for a newbie was a burden for some, especially a flighty newbie who wasn't likely to be in it for the long haul...
I'm not a kid anymore, I'm a married Momma and the social scene is very different in this 'New' world. Our friendships are interlaced with our husbands' and kids' friendships and as such are just as tentative and fragile.
Saying that, one or two of my Mommy friendships have really solidified - and I have my favorites or 'besties' as they call them over here. But it's taken so much longer to form those everlasting bonds that took barely days back in college. To be fair, we're somewhat preoccupied with our own lives and families these days. It's not all slumber parties and dressing up for a night on the tiles anymore (those were the days)!
I don't remember my own Mum chatting with her girlfriends or disappearing for a girly night out. I've never asked her if she was lonely staying home and looking after us....
It's funny how long since buried memories resurface when certain emotions are evoked.
I haven't felt this way since I was 12.
I remember we created a best friend 'gang', which consisted of 15 best friends - all girls. I think there were less than 20 girls in our school year, so it sucked to be one of the five who didn't make the cut. Lucky for me, I made the cut (phew) but it was still ridiculous.
I was 'best' friends with girls I hardly knew, but we were all linked together in some way or another and closer to some than we were to others. If I was friends with a girl and she was friends with someone else then mathematically I had to be friends with that person too.
Your friend is my friend and my friend is yours.... totally stupid, right?
I think it lasted a day before everyone fell out and it all went back to normal. But in those 24 hours or so, jealousies and insecurities ransacked the group. You couldn't trust anyone - not even your 'real' best friend! We were a gaggle of two-faced bitches. A hierarchy was quickly established and a popular clique emerged within the 'best friend gang' (which, of course, I wasn't part of).
The whole thing sucked. And, as is evident by this blog post, scarred me for life!
I just want to be loved by everyone. Is that too much to ask?