Monday, February 4, 2013

My kid's shit don't stink!

We were at a play date last week when my eldest went to go potty, and he sat there brooding for ages. There were three board books laying conveniently on the floor by the potty and so he read quietly to himself for a while.

He definitely doesn't get this toilet trait from me. I'm an efficient pooper; in and out, done. I don't get why people like to read on the loo. What's the deal with that? I mean, are you reading before you're pooping, or while you poop? Or have you already pooped and you're just stealing a bit of solitary time from the family?

Maybe you're not quite sure if you're done yet..... or maybe it takes a chapter or two to coax the rest of it out? Are we talking multiple wipes and flushes here? I mean, you wouldn't want to wait for the stuff to set on hard to your butt hole before wiping, surely?

That's got to be worse than wiping old Weetabix off a high chair. It doesn't make any sense to me! Come on! Get it while it's wet people! 

I can tell you that S-boy was reading while he was pooping. He'd poop a bit then read a bit then poop some more and so on.

"I'm not done pooping yet Mommy!" is all he kept saying when I went in to check on him. But the pile was growing. Well okay Baby, but we're not at home here, and that's some pretty potent perfume you're treating these home dwellers to! Poop in a dry potty is the worst. It's not as if you can work in a courtesy flush.

Luckily everyone else was outside. Then a girl a couple of years older than S-boy needed to go tinkle. I ran on ahead apologizing to the daughter and her Momma.

S-boy was done pooping, so we wiped and flushed and washed our hands quickly, so as to not make the girl pee down her leg while she waited. But man, it stunk in there. I muttered another apology to the Momma as I maneuvered my kid out of the little girl's way.

"Mom, it smells in here!" The girl complained. Our S-boy was in earshot. I wondered how he'd take it. He'd never seen anyone react negatively to his poop before. On the contrary, he's used to Momma cheering and waving a flag. I didn't want him feeling embarrassed, especially in front of a girl.

And would you believe it, the little madam actually changed her mind and decided she didn't want to go pee anymore. What? I was affronted on behalf of big kid. My boy's shit don't stink that bad, surely?! The girl was a neighbor's kid and so she popped home to use her non-stinky lav.

Meanwhile, seemingly unaware of the discomfort his own stench had created, S-boy played with the toy kitchen in the hall. I almost believed he was oblivious to his anti-social poop. But he noticed the second they returned.

"Oh, you came back!" he sounded surprised but happy. I guess it's not a bad lesson to learn early on in life, that a great big honking turd won't impress the ladies.

Sorry Kid, that's Momma's bad. Next time we'll light a match.


  1. OMG this is HILARIOUS, Josie! it must be a thing with the male species--my hubs sits in the bathroom a good 20 minutes supposedly doing his business but I know damn well he's just sitting in there reading the newspaper taking his sweet time. Then I get mad because by the time I get in there, I need to wear a mask over my nose it's so bad haha! I always ask him if something died inside of him. Your poor little guy though--I'm glad he didn't notice anything askew when the little girl came back out of the bathroom so quickly!

  2. Hahaha! That was so funny! What is it with men and their 'relationship' with the toilet? And the stinch!!!!! After Hubby's (or son's) 20 or more minutes WC occupation I have to seal the door shut with that yellow police line "Danger! Do not enter! Hazardous Biochemicals!" Call the "Fringe" Division! Horror! What are we feeding them????

  3. Oh man, that is so funny, and yet, I can picture myself feeling defensive on behalf of my child's shit-smell! I would totally worry that it would hurt her feelings to have another person refuse to use the bathroom after she stunk it up. Weird that I would think that, since she herself refuses to use the bathroom after an adult in the house poops in it. Oh, and as for the reading, I only do it a an excuse to hide in there longer on the weekends when the husband is home. ;)

  4. OMG Awesome stuff!
    My kid still asks for a diaper to poop in (we're working on it) but I get the totally defensiveness and the "my kid's shit doesn't stink THAT bad, does it?" attitude. Because, really, if that were your husband? You might have left the party too.
    BTW, I say this because MY husband says he has to poop, and 45 minutes later, we see him. I'm ALWAYS like WTF.

  5. What IS it with boys and taking so long to do their thing? WHat takes me 90 seconds takes all of my boys over 30 minutes. I told my husband I'd divorce him if he took his laptop in with him!( I'm sure he has, anyway) And the magazines! I want to lysol them down. That's pretty odd, considering I made a little library of board books in our bathroom when the kids were little. DOn't be surprised that your little boy didn't flinch at the "smelly" comment. My boys never notice or care. Haha!

  6. LOLOL! That is so funny! We tried using the little potty a few times and I was like - I have to clean this crap out when I could just flush it instead??? That was the end of that. Plus, they were at least two when we adopted them, so that helped too.